First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize