Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
