Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I am one with the molecules
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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