either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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