I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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