forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
