Im at strip club and am horny
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
