I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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