i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
