I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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