And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize