I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
