just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
