we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
