he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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