All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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