I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
