I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
