my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
