I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
