Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
tell me about the eggs
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
