She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
