Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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