We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
