Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
