Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize