I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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