I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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