That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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