1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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