Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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