Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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