is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
