Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize