She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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