Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
