you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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