I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
