It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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