So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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