I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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