i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
