He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
