I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
