Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
What drink are we having for lunch?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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