I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
