I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
