Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
