roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
