Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
