I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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