and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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