im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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