Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize