He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
