Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
