You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I wish there were birth control emojis
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize