my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
