I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
