I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
