If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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