I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
